Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him now. Next.
_______________________
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
_______________________
A patient walks into a doctor’s office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
_______________________
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
Patient: “Doctor, (excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands), will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”
Doctor: “I don’t see why not.”
Patient: “That’s funny, I wasn’t able to play it before.”
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
_______________________
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
_______________________
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her medicine!
_______________________
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie, they will match!
_______________________
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
_______________________
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?
Nurse: No! Is it missing?
_______________________
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, “I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?”
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That’s terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
_______________________
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
_______________________
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease.
Man: That’s great. I was afraid I had cancer!
_______________________
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear… your wife?!? How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
_______________________
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don’t do that.
_______________________
Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
_______________________
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Bank Manager: You certainly do! This is a bank.
_______________________
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
_______________________
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
_______________________
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him asking a favor.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.
_______________________
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient…
Doctor: “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to excessive drinking.”
Patient: “In that case, I’ll come back when you’re sober”